ElvisRadio

The Bent Wheat Daily
Post Serial
January 7, 2002

Reprint – ElvisRadio


THIS IS ELVIS RADIO AM...nightly, 10 PM Pacific...at K-L-U-E...simultaneous
radio network. Stay tuned for Adventure in Time…brought to you…by Déjà Vu.

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen…welcome to the show. The guest for tonight will be
Dr. Fix It. We will not be accepting calls tonight because there is just no need to ask the Dr. any questions, they are all answered in his book.

Hello, Dr.

Hello, Déjà.

Let’s get started by introducing your new book called, How to Fix Everything, by Dr. Fix It. This book is an extraordinary overnight success, Dr. And what’s even more curious, is that the book is only one page. How do you explain that?

Well, Déjà, it did take me a half hour to write that page, but if you will notice the index is quite extensive, and I had some obstacles finding a publisher, and designing the cover art, which did delay the distribution.

What is even more amazing Dr., is that this book has had very little publicity, and yet people are finding it on their own.

Yes, some people are drawn right to it, must be the cover.

Some of the things you outline on the first and only page, is the toolbox, can you detail that for our listeners?

Certainly, Déjà. The first thing everyone needs in their toolbox is a high quality magnifying glass. And the second thing that everyone needs in their toolbox is a screwdriver. You should give your closely examined problem a quarter turn, right or left, it doesn’t matter.

This is a very important factor, Dr. I notice you have it highlighted in bold print.

Yes, that is accurate. Everyone thinks they have to turn it to the right, but that’s incorrect, it doesn’t matter right or left, it’s just important that you turn it.

And then what, Dr?

That’s it. You can fill the rest of your toolbox with ice and beer, because you’re finished.

That is astounding Dr. And this fixes everything?

Yes it does.

You also have the shortcut method. Can you explain that?

This is for more advanced users. They can just assume it’s not broke, and never was, and that way they have more room in their toolbox for ice and beer.

Now, Dr., I notice there is a troubleshooting section on the bottom of the page. Could you go over that with us?

Of course, Déjà. Even though my method is quite simplistic, a lot of people have great difficulty with it. You see, the quarter turn is very gentle. People get in trouble because they keep trying to screw it hard to the right, and this is totally unnecessary. The more you try to screw it to the right, the more you’ll need a hammer to drive it home. And then you’ll need a bigger hammer and a bigger hammer after that. All those hammers take up room in your toolbox, and that doesn’t leave much space for the ice and beer.

So, it’s just a gentle quarter turn?

That’s correct.

We’ve pretty much covered the entire first page. Is there any reason why our listeners should buy your book?

I do have one hell of an index, Déjà.

Yes, you do Dr. Fix it. Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight. Once again, I’d like to thank Dr. Fix It for being here…and the name of the book is "How to Fix Everything." And I guess you can recognize the book by its cover. This is your reporter, Déjà Vu, at K-L-U-E...simultaneous radio network, signing off for this evening. I wish you well.

(dead air)